Do the 36 questions work with a long-term partner?

Yes. With someone new, the questions help you get acquainted. With a long-term partner, they help you notice what's changed. After years together, most talk is about logistics, and half of these questions you've never answered for each other — or you did long ago and the answers have shifted. Set three matters most for long-time couples: it's a reason to say out loud what usually goes unsaid.

Can you do the 36 questions with a friend?

You can. The study the list comes from was about closeness, not romance, and the people in it were strangers. A couple of questions in set three are warmer than typical friend talk — for example, “what do you like about the person across from you.” Friends answer them as friends, and that's enough. Keep the four minutes of eye contact or skip it, whatever you agree on.

How long do the 36 questions take?

In the study, pairs got forty-five minutes for all three sets, fifteen per set. In real life it runs one to two hours, because answers turn into stories. Add four minutes at the end. Short on time? Do one set per evening. Order matters more than speed.

What if it feels awkward?

Some awkwardness is built in: you're saying things out loud that usually stay in your head. Simple things help. Name it (“this feels strange, but I'll try”), give a shorter answer than you planned, or say “pass.” If the eye contact makes you laugh, laugh and keep going. And if the conversation gets heavy, stop. The questions aren't going anywhere.

36 questions to fall in love: the full list and how to do them

Thirty-six questions in three sets, from easy to very personal, plus four minutes of eye contact at the end. Here's the whole list, how to do it, and a game for going through it together on two phones.

Play it together

Questions: 36 questions, three sets
Time: 45–60 minutes
Account: No account needed

What the 36 questions are and where they came from

The “36 questions to fall in love” are three sets of twelve questions that two people take turns asking each other. Psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues put the list together for a 1997 study: they wanted to know whether a single conversation could make two strangers feel close. Pairs who spent forty-five minutes on questions like these came away feeling closer than pairs who made small talk. The study itself wasn't about love. It was about closeness.

The list got famous in 2015, when writer Mandy Len Catron described going through it with an acquaintance and then spending four silent minutes looking into each other's eyes. People have called them the questions to fall in love ever since, though a fairer description is this: a way to get to the things that matter faster than you usually would. How it works is simple. You take turns sharing a little more than you normally do, and each time you get an equally honest answer back. The wording below is ours: same meaning, same order, said the way people actually talk.

How to do the 36 questions

Pick a time and a place
You need about an hour when nobody's rushing or distracted: an evening in, a long walk, a call with nothing else going on. Phones are for the questions only.
Both answer every question
One of you reads the question out loud and answers first, then the other answers. Switch on the next one, so nobody ends up playing host.
Go in order
The sets run from light to personal. Set three only sounds natural after the first two, because by then you're used to being open with each other.
End with eye contact
After question thirty-six, set a timer for four minutes and look into each other's eyes without talking. Then tell each other what surprised you.

Set one: getting acquainted

Questions 1–12

Twelve warm-up questions: daydreams, habits, a bit of imagination. Easy to answer even if you've only just met.

1. You can have anyone in the world over for dinner. Who gets the invite?
2. Would you want to be famous? If so, for what?
3. Before an important call, do you run through what you'll say? Why?
4. What would your perfect day look like, morning to night?
5. When did you last sing — on your own, and for someone else?
6. Say you live to ninety and get to keep one thing from age thirty on: the body or the sharp mind. Which do you pick?
7. Do you have a hunch about how your life will end?
8. Name three things you think the two of you have in common.
9. What in your life are you most grateful for?
10. If you could change one thing about how you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your life story in as much detail as you can fit.
12. You wake up tomorrow with one new skill or quality. What is it?

Set two: closer

Questions 13–24

Now the things that matter: achievements, friendship, family, memories. Take your time. This is where conversations tend to wander off, and that's a good thing.

13. A crystal ball will answer one question truthfully — about you, your life, or the future. What do you ask?
14. Is there something you've dreamed of doing for ages and still haven't? What's in the way?
15. What do you count as your biggest achievement so far?
16. What matters most to you in a friendship?
17. Which memory do you treasure most?
18. And which memory is the hardest to carry?
19. If you learned you had one year left, what would change about how you live? Why?
20. What does the word "friendship" mean to you?
21. How big a part do love and affection play in your life?
22. Take turns naming something good about each other — five things each.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you think your childhood was happier than most?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother — or whoever raised you?

Set three: closest

Questions 25–36

The most personal twelve: what you like about each other, tears, loss, things left unsaid. You can skip any question.

25. Each of you, say three true sentences that start with "we." For example: "We're both a little nervous right now."
26. Finish the sentence: "I wish I had someone I could share…"
27. If the two of you were going to become really close, what would the other person need to know about you?
28. Tell the person across from you what you like about them. Be honest — say the kind of thing you wouldn't tell someone you just met.
29. Share an embarrassing moment from your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of someone? And on your own?
31. Name something you've come to like about them during this conversation.
32. Is there anything you think is too serious to joke about?
33. Imagine tonight is your last chance to talk to anyone. What would you most regret not having said? Why haven't you said it yet?
34. Your home is on fire. Everyone you love and every pet is safe, and there's time to save one thing. What is it, and why?
35. Whose death in your family would hit you hardest? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask how they would handle it. Then ask them to tell you how you seem to feel about it.

Four minutes of eye contact

The last step is the most unfamiliar one. Sit facing each other, set a timer for four minutes, and look into each other's eyes. No talking. At first you may want to laugh or look away. That's fine — just come back. What's left after that is something rare in everyday life: someone paying close attention to you, in no hurry at all.

In the game the timer is shared and silent. It doesn't tick or beep, and when time's up the screen changes for both of you. If four minutes feels like too much, you can end early. The rules are yours. Afterward, ask each other one question that isn't on the list: “What surprised you?” It's an easy way to keep talking once the cards are done.

What helps a conversation like this

Six small things that make the hour easier.

Answer, don't perform
A minute or two beats a ten-minute monologue. If you want to say more, say it — but leave room for the other person. The questions are meant to be an exchange.
Listen all the way through
Don't interrupt, and don't rush in with your own story. A short “tell me more” does more than advice. Advice only belongs in the last question, where it's actually asked for.
Make “pass” allowed
Agree up front that either of you can skip any question, no explanation needed. Knowing there's a way out makes honest answers easier.
Don't turn it into a test
There are no right answers and nothing to score. Different answers aren't a warning sign. They're a reason to ask “why?”
Take breaks
Thirty-six questions in a row is a lot. Between sets, stand up, make tea, stretch your legs. You can stop after set two and come back to set three another day.
Keep it between you
What gets said in set three isn't for retelling to friends or bringing up in an argument. Otherwise there'll be less openness next time.

36 questions: common questions

Do the 36 questions work with a long-term partner?: Yes. With someone new, the questions help you get acquainted. With a long-term partner, they help you notice what's changed. After years together, most talk is about logistics, and half of these questions you've never answered for each other — or you did long ago and the answers have shifted. Set three matters most for long-time couples: it's a reason to say out loud what usually goes unsaid.
Can you do the 36 questions with a friend?: You can. The study the list comes from was about closeness, not romance, and the people in it were strangers. A couple of questions in set three are warmer than typical friend talk — for example, “what do you like about the person across from you.” Friends answer them as friends, and that's enough. Keep the four minutes of eye contact or skip it, whatever you agree on.
How long do the 36 questions take?: In the study, pairs got forty-five minutes for all three sets, fifteen per set. In real life it runs one to two hours, because answers turn into stories. Add four minutes at the end. Short on time? Do one set per evening. Order matters more than speed.
What if it feels awkward?: Some awkwardness is built in: you're saying things out loud that usually stay in your head. Simple things help. Name it (“this feels strange, but I'll try”), give a shorter answer than you planned, or say “pass.” If the eye contact makes you laugh, laugh and keep going. And if the conversation gets heavy, stop. The questions aren't going anywhere.

What the 36 questions are and where they came from

How to do the 36 questions

Pick a time and a place

Both answer every question

Go in order

End with eye contact

Set one: getting acquainted

Set two: closer

Set three: closest

Four minutes of eye contact

What helps a conversation like this

Answer, don't perform

Listen all the way through

Make “pass” allowed

Don't turn it into a test

Take breaks

Keep it between you

36 questions: common questions

Where to next